Asking For A Friend
Using the phrase 'Asking for a friend' quite literally in my reflection today. If you search #askingforafriend on Instagram, you get people 232K posts asking rhetorical questions like "How many lake pics is too many lake pics?" or "Does smiling through the saddest songs mean one is better or going insane?". I am not using it in that sense. I am, in the most profound way possible, asking for you to be my friend.
In March of 2019, I published a blog called 'Can We Be Friends?' where I reflected on the immense loneliness I was feeling at the time. Loneliness and disconnect have taken on an entirely new meaning in 2020. With COVID19, we physically can't (shouldn't) interact with people in person. Added to that, Jake and I moved back to Minnesota in July. After struggling to develop meaningful and genuine friendships in graduate school, leaving my closest friends in south Dakota to return to a place where I didn't have many female friends has been challenging, to say the least.
In 'Can We Be Friends?' I reflected on a quote from one of my favorite podcasts, Crooked Media's Hysteria. The quote was, "There is an essentialness and a danger to female friendships. We need them in order to be fully emotionally filled, but they also can blow our lives up". In my blog, I reflected that I have been burned many times by people I thought were my friends, leaving me scarred and hesitant to trust new people in my life as a protection mechanism. In hindsight, this protection mechanism is also a wall. A wall that is for my protection in some cases but also blocks new friendships from forming.
In August, feeling that same desperate loneliness creep back into my life, I started looking for people in Minneapolis who had similar interests as myself starting with yoga. I started following local yogis and fitness instructors, hoping to build connections with like-minded people. I reached out to someone on Instagram. Literally slid into her DMs and asked to grab a coffee then attend the yoga class she lead. Hesitantly, making sure I wasn't some crazy person, she said yes. Our conversation over coffee and vegan muffins was delightful, and the yoga class was everything I needed.
We continued to chat following that, and on a whim, I asked her to drive to Jake and mine's wedding venue (which for reference is a three hour round trip plus add some time to stop at the venue and get wine). Wanting to get out of the city and take an impromptu trip, they said yes to accompanying me. Driving through eastern Minnesota's rolling hills, we shared conversations ranging from personal background to politics to Hamilton (and other nerdy topics). Upon arriving at the winery, we had an enjoyable afternoon wine tasting, eating pizza, and soaking in the perfect fall weather. That afternoon together, enjoying fabulous wine and excellent conversation, filled a void in my life—quality time with a friend. The two weeks that followed since then were emotionally draining, to say the least, from having to cancel our mini wedding ceremony to being reminded (for what feels like the hundredth time) that right now is not a good time to be seeking employment. That afternoon together still brought light and hopefulness to otherwise very pressing times.
While squeezing lunch into our busy schedules today, our conversation felt like we had been friends for years. The conversation was not positive, but it was honest and refreshing. Right off the bat, when I asked, "How are you doing" she responded, "Good. Nevermind, no, I actually not fine." This launched us into an intense conversation for 12:00 p.m. on a Monday, but it was a conversation I think we both needed to have because the topics have been weighing on our hearts. Be honest in the relationships in your life. You don't need to respond "Good" just to ease the comfort of the person asking. Maybe don't unload your day on the grocery clerk asking that same questions, but be honest with the people who are genuinely wondering. However, it is crucial to find someone who is there to hear you, listen to you, share in your pain without judgment or a higher motive, and sometimes offer advice and sometimes simply offer support. And at the end of the day, provide what we as humans crave - connection.
What started as two hesitant strangers meeting up has led to a friendship I never would have had if I hadn't broken down my walls and asked for a friend. This connection has been a beacon of light during an otherwise very low point in my life.
The moral of this story is to ask for a friend. I know it's been said literally a million times this year in a million different ways, but we are living through unprecedented times. Ask. For. A. Friend. Swipe up on the person you follow who's content you love and ask to Zoom or grab (chilly) coffees outside. DM the person who posts about having a hard day because that could be the only positive thing that is said to them. Let people know that they matter in your lives because we are all seeking and craving human connection. Yes, some people do suck, and they will hurt you. But, some people are lovely (and aren't crazy people sliding into your DMs) and may even challenge your thought process, be the light you need during an otherwise dark time, and become your friend.
Take yourself back to kindergarten or first grade. It's the first day of class, you're in the outfit you so proudly picked out for yourself (or your parent picked out for you), and you're full of excitement and nervousness. During playtime, you go up to another student in the classroom and joyfully ask, "Can we be friends?".
As children, we rarely question ourselves or our decision. Asking to be friends at playtime is like asking what your favorite color is – just a simple question.
I ended my blog in 2019 about friendship and loneliness with a challenge, and I want to end this blog similarly.
Take that same joyful energy that you had as a child at playtime and apply it to yourself now. I challenge you to reach out to three people - old acquaintances, people you follow on social media, and love what they post, whoever – and ask to Zoom, or go for a walk: essentially ask three people to be friends. Yes, 2020 has been quite horrible but don't let yourself wallow in it alone. People want to hear your voice and connect with you. You bring a unique perspective to the world, and anyone would be lucky to have you slide into their DMs, asking to be friends. Be kind to others and remember that we are all handling and processing this year differently. But at the end of the day we are all craving friendship. Use your joyful, optimistic energy to build connections in a world that seems so utterly disconnected and literally ask someone to be your friend.
I challenge you to do this not just for your mental health but also for the positive impact you will undoubtedly bring into three other people's lives. Spread a little extra joy and positivity this week.
