Can We Be Friends?

After three different crying incidences in two days, I took it as a sign that this blog post was trying to get out of my brain and onto the page.

In October, my first blog post revolved around the people who have made me stronger, both the incredible people and those who didn’t treat me well. My first blog really reflected on why I am the way that I am today, and one reason why I am the person I am is because of friendships and an absence of them. I started my blog to be a voice for a fifteen-year-old girl who was too scared to speak up in 2011. For a young girl who just wanted friends. I started sharing my thoughts not in hopes to gain attention but to be a friend for a different person out there who might be feeling all alone right now whether if they're in high school, college or in any stage of life.

For most of high school, I felt so alone. One of the main goals for my blog is to be a friend for the friendless and to provide a sense of community for the people who feel like a misfit because that is a feeling I know all too well. The quote that I used in my personal statement for graduate school comes to mind in this situation as well to “Be who you needed when you were younger.” When I was younger, I needed someone who I could connect to and who made me feel not so alone, so I strive to do that for others now.

As I hopefully have made abundantly clear, I will always be as transparent and authentic in my posts. With that in mind, this semester has been incredibly challenging for me. The most challenging aspect of graduate school isn’t the assignments, but instead, it’s the fact that I don’t feel like I have friends. I’m not saying I was best friends with all of my classmates in undergrad, but I knew them; we talked about our weekends, celebrated each other's engagements, argued about political topics and made up silly sayings. I know it’s only half a semester in and friendships take time, but I thrive off of having a sense of community, and so far, I have not found that and I can feel my emotional health suffering because of it.

After coming back from Spring Break, I thought I would feel refreshed and rejuvenated, but I only felt more terrified and doubted the future even more. Today in class, all my tears and emotions spilled out of me…in front of my entire graduate class and professor…I am open and embrace vulnerability, (I actually love crying because I feel so much better after) but, I had opened to save the tears until maybe a year in. Oh well, it was bound to happen eventually.

Apart from my overall disconnect from those around me, two significant instances have happened over the past month and have sparked my interest to reflect on friendship. The first was a girl on Instagram and the second was a podcast. First, one of the young women I follow was struggling a few weeks ago and kept posting about how she feels so alone all the time in high school. Reading her thoughts flashed me back to when I was in high school and the loneliness I felt.

Secondly, on February 21st a podcast was released that I ended up listened to multiple times because it had such a profound impact. The podcast, Hysteria, hosted by Erin Ryan, discusses everything from news and politics, to friendship, this podcast aims to provide commentary on different aspects of women’s lives in both a serious and hilarious manner. On this specific pod, she is joined by Michaela Watkins, Grace Parra, and Dana Schwartz. As a summary, the February 21st pod examined women’s friendships with each other and why they are so complicated. One significant highlight from the four women’s conversation was that an event like a friendship breakup can be an incredibly traumatic event that alters how women approach friendships with each other for the rest of their lives.

The pod opens with the women discussing how friendship breakups have served as significant parts of their lives. For me, there have been multiple times in my life where the girls who I thought were my friends just stopped liking me or “broke up with me.” I was left lonely and ponding what I had done wrong. Research about how women end friendships shows that women tend to be less confrontational which means the person getting “broken up with” never is provided with an explanation about why the friendship was disconnected.

One of the podcasters, Dana, stated that “If I were to GPS the greatest breakups of my friendships 6th grade, college, maybe one in my twenty, one in my early thirties that could have been a breakup. These were all crucial points of my personal evolution…when I think back on my life, I really think back on these moments and how they were a breaking point in my life”. This quote directly relates to my first blog where these challenging friendship moments ultimately lead me to evolve as a person into who I am today. I really connect with the idea of personality evolution during moments of a challenge. When looking back on my “most challenging moments,” in regards to friendship, the moments have always been when I’ve decided more firmly who I was. The challenging moments have served as pivotal character development points throughout my life.

Usually right after a friendship breakup comes a personal shift and a new exciting aspects of life. So despite the pain and loneliness that may be felt in the moment, trying to maintain the mindset that challenging moments are times that allow us personal growth. This is an idea that I have been reminding myself through this time of change and uncertainty.

A different woman on the pod said that “There is an essentialness and a danger to female friendships. We need them in order to be fully emotionally filled, but they also can blow our lives up”. I have felt the danger of female friends, but I have even more of an understanding about the essentialness of them. It is because of the 'danger' that I have felt that I do find myself now being more selective with the people who are in my life. Why would I knowingly bring ‘dangerous,’ negative people into my life? Of course, you don’t always know how a friendship will turn out and so you risk the threat of getting hurt with the essential need for female companionship and closeness just like you would in a romantic relationship.

This past weekend I had a two day long Empower Her Coaching Certification with Caryn (the whole-body women’s wellness coach who I worked with in the fall who motivated me to step out of my comfort zone to start this blog) where I became certified in her program and how she goes about coaching women. The certification happened in San Diego but a few women, myself included, had the opportunity to video conference into the meetings. I will definitely be posting more on the actual content from the certification in a later blog because I need more time to reflect on everything. However, my initial response was just an overwhelming sense of community and closeness that I have been missing and craving for a while. I treasured getting to have meaningful and memorable conversations with women of all ages who were all trying to overcome a challenge in their lives.

I know that true friendship and connection with others takes time, but right now I’m in the painful evolutionary stage with my transition into graduate school. I will try to remain patient and optimistic and look at this time as an opportunity to evolve.

As always, I would like to end with a challenge for you. Try to strive to build a sense of community across all areas of your life and have an effort to include others rather than leave them out. You never know what an impact you can have by going out of your way to connect with someone. For all you know, you may become the person you needed when you were younger for them.

With Love,

Rachel Elizabeth

**If your loneliness is more than just a lack of connection and you are worried about your mental health, please contact your doctor or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

**Link to Hysteria podcast “Can We Be Friends?”: https://crooked.com/podcast/can-we-be-friends/