Just a Number
It is the summer of 2015, and I’m preparing to attend South Dakota State University in the fall where I will be competing on the cross country and track teams. During this time, I’m trying to navigate what I can and can’t eat because so many foods are causing me to have intense stomach pains while I’m running. I’m struggling to put in the mileage that I was given from my coach, and because of that, I’m concerned that I will gain weight because I’m not achieving the specific mileage in my training. To provide a sense of reassurance, I start to weigh myself at least once a week as well as considerably constrict my caloric intake. And I start to run better and feel better. Without realizing it, all of a sudden, my self-esteem, self-worth, and belief in my athletic abilities become tied to a number. And that number becomes my “ideal” weight.
Once I came to college, I didn’t purchase a scale, so I went from weighing myself almost every day to not having anything to set what my standards for myself were. So, I picked a body size. In my head, I thought “fast/athletic= small.” A person cannot change their genetics. I cannot change the fact that I have a large chest and broader hips but I sure tired. I went to the gym after track practice to work out more and ate half as many calories as I needed. Some days I would overeat and feel bad about myself, so I would get up early and go to the gym the next day to counteract the food I had eaten.
During my sophomore year, members of the tracks team were asked to participate in a body analysis project for the exercise science students at the university. The body pod scanned your weight, skeletal muscle mass, body fat mass, BMI and percent body fat. Most of the women on the team participated in it. Once completed you received a sheet and the number that (for me) had the most significant impact was the perfect body fat. Anything below 19% was categorized as 'collegiate/elite athlete.' I was at 23% (which is a perfectly healthy number but to me that was far too big) and reinforced my need to become smaller. At meets, I was so uncomfortable in the spandex because they emphasized the parts of my body that I didn’t think were small enough.
My unhealthy pattern of high mileage, putting in extra hours lifting at the gym and not eating enough continued until October of 2017. Many factors impacted my final decision to leave the team, and I don’t pretend that it was just one thing because it was far more complicated than that. It took multiple challenging events for me to realize I was putting too much of my time and energy focusing on numbers whether those numbers were the times I hit in 800 repeats, the weighs I used during dumbbell bench press, the number of calories I consumed, the size of jeans I fit into, the score I received on a test, the weight on the scale or the time I finished in a race.
The thing with number is that once you hit that number, you are not filled with happiness. Once you hit that number, you just realize you want the next number. Sometimes that can be motivating like doing a rep at a heavier weight while lifting or getting one more pull up, but sometimes that number can be a slippery slope and can lead to lifelong challenges and unhappiness.
Upon leaving the track team all the obsession and anxiety surrounding numbers diminished. As time passed, I learn to put more emphasis on my mental health and finding balance. Even a healthy activity, when done in excess is unhealthy. I learned to love the body I have and to not compare myself to anyone else.
In March of this year, I bumped into a trainer in town who convinced me I should participate in their 21-day challenge. I had been thinking about getting back into group workouts, and I am always up for a challenge. The 21-day competition started on April 1 so on March 27th we had a check-in where we had a body scan and completed an assortment of activities from push-ups to kettlebell deadlift. Once we completed the 8 exercises, we had a plank hold.
Before the physical assessment, I had to step back on the dreaded scanner. That was the first time in a year and a half that I had weighed myself.
It has been over a year and a half since I found myself really scrutinizing my body for its size and performance. Over the past year and a half, I have worked on building up my self-esteem, challenged myself to view my body from a kinder eye, thanked my body for how strong and incredible it is, and made an effort to not compare myself to others. As I stepped on that scale, all I could think was I don’t want to see this number. I have made it too far to become consumed with a number again.
The results from the test are printed and given to you, and I was so nervous I couldn’t open to paper to view my results. Opening it, I had a million thoughts race through my head, but the first was ‘’balance’. I weighed the same as I had two years prior, but I had added considerable muscle mass and decreased my body fat percentage. I have become healthier since walking away from running. I was worried that if I didn’t train the way I used to I wouldn't be able to maintain a certain level of fitness. I was concerned that by not hitting 60 miles a week or counting all my calories that it would have a significant impact on my health. However, that is not the case. My ability to find balance has allowed me to become healthier. Over the past year and a half, my health routine has included walking the dogs, doing yoga and weight lifting and meditation, I have become healthier than I ever was during the track season. In addition to the balance in physical activities, I have started to set intentions for my yoga practice and goals for the lifting sessions which have given me attainable marks to strive for rather than focusing on a specific number.
Halfway through the 21-day challenge, my coach for the challenge asked me how I thought the challenge was going and I said:
“To be honest what I’m most afraid of is that I won’t see progress after the 21 days. I’ve worked hard for over two years reminding myself that all the decisions since track have been to become a healthier and happier version of myself and that included not weighing myself. When we weighed in on the first, I had less fat and more lean muscle than I had during my peak fitness level on the track team. Seeing that was an incredible boost, but now I’m just worried that I continue to improve not regress both physical and (more importantly) mentally.”
Her answer was incredibly impactful and are words that I will carry with me going forward in my fitness journey. She said:
“I understand completely where you are coming from. Just think of it this way. (I always have to remind myself). If you are constantly striving to be better (which is always a good thing) are you ever truly satisfied with where you are at? There is a fine line between wanting to be a better you and never being happy with you. Just remember to take time to appreciate how far you have come and any obstacle you have overcome along the way! Enjoy the process! Leave room for not only “ups” but “downs” along the way too! It’s what makes us human and ultimately keeps us level headed. Be proud of yourself. I’m glad you found a new love for health and fitness like I did after quitting running. I know we can both agree it was life-changing, to say the least! Not it a bad way... Just time for both of us to venture on to new paths.”
Wednesday was our concluding test for the 21-day challenge. Instead of worry about what number would be on the body scan, I focused on improving my repetitions for the physical test and reminded myself that a number is just a number, it holds nothing to my self-worth and overall success.
For me, the 21-day challenge was more than just a completion of 10 group classes, a pre and post physical tests, a body scan and making healthy life choices, it was a reminder that I don’t need to run 50 miles a week or be x weight to be the healthiest self. To feel my healthiest self, I need to have balance, surround myself with supportive, inspiring and positive people and love the body I was born with. At the start of the 21 days, I didn’t think I would have any change or transformation, but I was mistaken. The transformation was in the strengthened community I have found within Anytime Fitness, a community full of energetic, uplifting people who bring all that they are to workouts as well as my own reaffirmation of the power of balance and letting go of a number.
Each day set an intention or a goal for yourself but never be so tied to a number that it consumes your life. Love who you are, the way that you are and work to be a better version of you each day.
