The Chapter Left Unfinished
I am a list kind of person. I make to-do lists in my planner and on sticky notes around our apartment. I have a wedding checklist that has the month with all the corresponding tasks that must be completed during that month. I make lists because checking the boxes off is a little win and breaks apart large tasks. I love the feeling of completion and the reward that I feel from seeing something through. Whether it’s completing an extensive homework assignment, making protein balls or booking our wedding venue, I enjoy the little burst of satisfaction after checking off boxes. I read novels the same way that I make lists. I like to complete a full chapter, and I most certainly cannot just stop half way just like I would half do something on my list. However, if I don’t have the adequate amount of time to finish a chapter, I rush through the chapter just so I can complete it yet I retain very little of the content and find no satisfaction in the story.
Un…
My decision to walk away from track and cross country was my decision, and mine alone. At first, I had the intention to just take one step away. One step back, to regroup and refocus on me. Focus on my physical challenges. This included trying to eat a healthy, balanced diet, work out a reasonable amount and get adequate amounts of sleep. Focus on my mental challenges. Since I started running at the collegiate level in 2015, I had not taken time to assess where I was in regards to my mental state. I negatively evaluated where I was physically every day when I looked in the mirror and thought “I’m not skinny enough for this sport” but never did I stop to address those feelings. Without realizing, over the course of two and a half years, I was ever so slowly chipping away at my happiness and my health. I was surrounded by negativity both from within myself and from some people around me, and that was continually eating away at me. I didn’t notice it at first. But when I forcibly took a step back, I realized how heavy I was from the weight of carrying around so much negativity and how empty I felt because I wasn’t addressing my own needs. I was physically weakening my body by constantly demanding it to be skinnier and stronger and always tried to put 110% of my energy into every run and workout. I was mentally weakening my mind through the pessimistic way in which I would talk to myself. I was spiritually weakening my soul by surrounding myself with people who brought unnecessary negativity into my daily life. I felt all of these unhealthy forces pressing on me until I decided to take a step away.
Unfi….
Within the first month, I knew that I would never take that step back into the sport again. Even within the first month, I had felt a considerable amount of the weight lifted from my shoulders. The single step away had provided me with perspective and the ability to self-internalize my feelings and my situation. During the first few months, I continued to run mileage, lift heavy, and box. However, the boxing, despite being incredibly fun, was such a competitive environment. One of the aspects that really weighed me down while in track was feeling as if I was always in competition whether it was in the weight room, a workout or a race. It was then that I realized I not only needed to take a step away from running but from competition as well. It was in these first months of away that I found yoga.
Unfini…
I had attended yoga before last year, but it wasn’t until finals week that I really felt the positive impact that a consistent practice of yoga was having on my life. It wasn't just the physical movement or the mental aspects of yoga that I flourished from, it was the incredible environment that @prairiesoulstudio fostered. I found myself surrounded by some of the most intelligent, kind and strong women I have ever met through the community at Prairie Soul. Initially, I enjoyed yoga because I was truly terrible at it and it was nice to let go of all the tension I was holding around physical performance and experience something new. I will be honest, I am quite inflexible. Despite not being able to reach the ground, I love that every time I step on my mat, I improve some aspect of my practice. Apart from being drawn to the physical challenges of yoga, I enjoy confronting the mental aspect. I love the opportunity yoga has given me to look inward on the elements I love about my life, the parts that aren’t worth my attention & the parts I need to simply let go. As I discussed in my blog two weeks ago, while on the track team, I never felt fit enough, not because I wasn’t in shape, but because my body shape does not fall into the “skinny standard” runner body type. Yoga opened my eyes to the fact that you can have any body type or shape or be at any level of training and be able to take something out of each practice. It also made me realize how important it is to strengthen your mind as much as you strengthen your body. (I will be explaining more about how yoga has shaped my life more deeply in a few weeks.)
Unfinis…
It has been a year and a half since I took a step back from Division I athletics. I honestly cannot describe to you how much happier I feel with myself. During this time, I have found happiness within myself. I more fully appreciate the incredible, positive people I have in my life. And I am content with what I have accomplished. Finding a healthy balance with anything in life can be challenging and will always be something I strive to achieve. I have created a healthy balance between my diet and the amount/intensity at which I workout. Right now, I am trying to balance setting a sleep routine of at least seven hours a night and drinking more water throughout the day. But those are smaller, more attainable goals. Whereas, a year and a half ago, I was just trying to escape the crushing weight of stress and negativity that had accumulated from collegiate running.
Unfinish…
I still look back at pictures and think “What if I would have stayed?” But as quickly as I think that a different thought comes into my mind which is “Look how much happier you are.” Within my two and a half years of running, I never felt the amount of joy, happiness, and contentment that I experience now. I would probably run and compete better than I did when I was in track because I have found happiness and confidence within myself. But I don't know what would have happened. It does me no good to dwell on the unknown or hypothetical within your own life. All I know is that I am more content than I have ever been, more comfortable in my own body and happy with life. I have never felt comfortable working out in a sports bra or form fitting clothes and now I am embracing my body.
Unfinishe...
I have had many people ask me, "Have you started running again?". And the answer is "No, not yet." There will come a time when I do feel like I want to start running again. Today is not that day. Nor will tomorrow be that day. What I am most looking forward to is that when I do feel compelled to run again, it will be on my own terms. It will be because I want to for enjoyment purposes not to check a certain amount of miles off of my weekly mileage chart. I am eager and excited for that day to come. Looking back on my time as a collegiate runner one word comes to my mind, and that is...
Unfinished…
and yet I have an even more profound sense of satisfaction than I ever could have received from completed four years of Division I athletics and checking that off my list.
I am not downplaying how incredible it is to participate in a collegiate sport for the entirety of your college career because that is something to be proud of. And I am incredibly proud of my time as an athlete, and I have a fondness for the school that I represented. However, what I am saying is that for me personally, I have found more happiness and peace within myself than I ever could have imagined by leaving that chapter unfinished. If I had stayed, I would have rushed through the chapter, missing all the incredible details that I only released because I set the book down, reflected on the content and realized this chapter just wasn’t for me. So I turned the page and started the next chapter. And it has been the most incredible and rewarding chapter of my story of a life so far.
And so, to me, that chapter of my life is
Finished.
Don’t become so consumed with completing a task or checking a box that you lose your sense of who you are, what is important to you and who the people are around you that fill your heart. If you forget those three things and check the box, you will find no sense of satisfaction. Be humble enough to take a step back. Maybe that one step back will give you a new perspective, and you will be able to approach the task with new energy or maybe that step back will bring you peace of mind to move onto the new big adventure. Do yourself the excellent service of acknowledging where you are physically, mentally and spiritually and be strong enough to accept what you truly need. Enjoy your book of life and remember, the story is not ruined if you start a new chapter. Instead, the plot is just adjusted.
